If this is living, I'd hate to see death

So mentions the phrase "If this is living, I'd hate to see death." This inspired me to write a tiny post about it.

While we're on the topic of medical procedures, let's mention something I generally wouldn't. πŸ™‚

Ever had a abdominal cat scan? I have. First they make you drink crystal light mixed with barium powder till the fucking shit comes out of your ears. (And I fucking hated crystal light before. I'll probably flip out and kill the next person who offers me some at some point)

Alright. Then they brought me into the imaging room, where they happily informed me that I would be recieving a barium enema, and could I please roll over so they can stick this plastic tube up my butt. I told them where they could stick the tube, but then I realized they were serious.
When this was all said and done, they flipped a nozzle and filled my rectum with barium water. Ever felt barium water go through parts of your intestine in the wrong direction? heh yea, I have.

After all this, they mentioned they were going to put barium in my IV. They mentioned that occasionally, a very small group of people feel a bit queasy when they do this, and I should relax. I pointed out the plastic tube in my ass, and asked how I should relax under the circumstances. Yep, breathing excercises. heh.

Anyway, after that, she began the IV. Within 10 seconds, I said "umm, get me out of this thing, I'm gonna puke" she pulls me out and says I'll be okay. I proceed to projectile vomit about two feet, as far as I could away from the CAT scan equipment. Quote of the day: "Wow, I've never seen that much vomit as a result of barium in the IV. Lets get you in while it's still in the bloodstream"

So I'm covered in vomit, scared as hell about the machine. I get to hold my breath for over a minute at a time as they ran the machine.

Then I get to be rolled through the ER (they were out of normal rooms at the time) covered in vomit.

So now, when you mentioned the quote, this seemed fitting to this story.

If this is living, I'd hate to see death.

Granted, they did end up giving me a change of hospital gowns and hooked me up with toothpaste and stuff, but it had to rank highly as one of the worst 20 minutes of my life. πŸ™‚

9 thoughts on “If this is living, I'd hate to see death”

  1. When do we get to read the other fun installments about sutures and blood sucking and other good stuff like that? And when are you going to post pictures of your dear departed appendix-in-a-jar?

    You know I'm kidding, right? you have all my sympathy.

    1. I begged my surgeon for my appendix in a jar. I think I fucked the whole thing up when I told him why:
      "I want to keep it in formeldahyde on my desk at work"

      he made it very clear that wasn't going to happen. πŸ™‚

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